


Suffocating In This Web Of Lies

by LightningMcMiche



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Hints of Insanity, Lies, M/M, MAMA AU, Manipulation, Pain, Sacrifice, Swearing, Traitor!Jongdae, Violence, i'm sorry guys, mention of depression, powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-26 00:13:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16671088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningMcMiche/pseuds/LightningMcMiche
Summary: Because love is the sweetest poison, but no one warns you how bitter memories are.'When there's madness, when there's poison in your headWhen the sadness leaves you broken in your bedI will hold you in the depths of your despairAnd it's all in the name of love'- In the Name of Love, Martin Garrix and Bebe Rexha





	1. Oblivion

 

Baekhyun froze, taking in the sight across him.

There was Jongdae, their Jongdae, _his_ Jongdae, standing above the man on the floor who was burned to a crisp.

His Jongdae - the one who wouldn’t hurt anyone if he could help it, the one who looked after everyone with a smile, the one who held his hand and kissed his lips and told him that he’d never leave him.

Jongdae, who’d one day, gone to bed and then disappeared from his room the next morning, taking Sehun’s power orb with him.

Jongdae, who now had a crazed look in his eyes, electricity crackling between his fingers and a maniacal grin on his face.

Jongdae, who was no longer his Jongdae.

“ _Baekhyun_ ,” Jongdae’s voice was different, darker and seductive, and it sent an involuntary shiver down his spine. “I’ve been waiting. It’s good to see you.”

Baekhyun’s heart thundered.

Why had he appeared? Why now?

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun’s eyes didn't stray from the other. “You’re a part of the Red Force now?” His eyes flashed to the body on the floor, “...You killed him.”

“I told you, I’ve been waiting,” Jongdae’s lips curled maliciously. He didn’t move from his spot, but his arm reached towards Baekhyun, fingers outstretched and curled as he motioned towards him. “You’re as beautiful as the day I left, sweetheart.”

“You’re not allowed to call me that,” Baekhyun’s breathing was laboured. He couldn’t believe this - after a month of his heart trying to get over Jongdae’s betrayal, he couldn’t face this. “Not after what you did - fuck you Jongdae! Who do you think you are?! How could you leave us - ”

Jongdae tsked, moving from his spot over the man, and started approaching Baekhyun instead. Baekhyun immediately stiffened, but Jongdae had always moved faster than Baekhyun, and before he knew it, Jongdae was less than a foot away. His hand came up, a finger running lightly down the side of Baekhyun’s face. An unintentional shiver ran down Baekhyun’s spine, goosebumps rising on his skin. Jongdae’s hands were just as his skin remembered them, but he wanted to hate himself for it.

“Desperation is a beautiful colour on you, Baekhyun-ah,” Jongdae was leaning closer, the maniacal glint still churning in his eyes. Baekhyun inhaled sharply as he felt Jongdae’s warm breath over his left ear. The other whispered, “But you’ve always been beautiful.”

The words burned deep inside Baekhyun’s chest. He hated how much he was affected by them - how much he was still in love with him. His voice had always reduced Baekhyun, stripped him down to the rawest form of himself - it had always made him want to burst into a shower of light. And despite how wrong this felt now, his heart couldn’t stop that feeling. Even now.

He pushed Jongdae away, watching with wide eyes as Jongdae’s shoulder shook as he broke into a sadistic laugh, “You’ve always been so weak - _so easy_ to break.”

“Stop,” Baekhyun’s voice came out much more stable than he felt, knees shaky. “You’re not my Jongdae. You’ve changed - ”

“Your Jongdae?” The man in front of him burst into sharp, jagged laughter, and it pierced Baekhyun’s heart. Who was this? Precious, gentle Jongdae? What had become of him? “He’s _dead_.” His eyes snapped to meet Baekhyun’s again, holding them with an undeniable power, “ _I’m all you have left now_.”

“You’re a _monster_ ,” Baekhyun swallowed, eyes flashing to the body and then back to the man he no longer recognized. He felt a rush of anger, wanting to hate Jongdae, “You’re pathetic.”

A flicker, a strange flash passed over Jongdae’s eyes, before that infuriating smirk was back, “And yet, here you are - and you haven’t even tried to hurt me for leaving you.”

His eyes fell to where Baekhyun’s fist had curled and taunted seductively, “Oh Baekhyun, have you forgotten? I know you better than you know yourself.” He stepped back into Baekhyun’s personal space, his hand burning the skin where it touched Baekhyun’s wrist, “And we both know you’ve always been too weak, too soft to hurt me. Your _precious_ Jongdae.”

“How dare you,” Baekhyun’s voice was low, and he swallowed, repeating with fury as he glared straight into Jongdae’ dark eyes, “How fucking _dare_ you.”

“I can feel it in the way your heart is beating, Baekhyun,” Jongdae’s palm landed on Baekhyun’s chest, a current flowing between them, and it sizzled on Baekhyun’s skin. Baekhyun’s eyes snapped to Jongdae, “Have you forgotten? I can read your electrical signals, Baekhyun. You still love me, you _long_ for me.”

Baekhyun wanted to cry - but not in front this...this stranger. He wouldn’t show his weak side -

For a second, Baekhyun thought he saw a glimmer of anguish in Jongdae’s eyes, but it was long gone when he blinked, replaced once again by that crazed, haunted look. The other took a step back, looking at him thoughtfully, admiring, “You’ve always been so beautiful. I just wish I could destroy you - you’d be so beautiful. My lightning yearns to test you, Baekhyun.”

“Who are you?” Baekhyun swallowed. “What have they...what did they do to you?”

“Your Jongdae,” The other replied after a beat of sharp grinning. “Lost his patience. He was so depressed inside - so tired of fighting, until he realized one day - it was just so much easier to fight for the right side.”

“We _were_ the right side, Jongdae,” Baekhyun practically shouted. “You left us! Even through everything we’d been through - the testing, the escape - _you_ planned that! - finding each other! Did...nothing, did none of that matter to you?! Was it that easy for you to just...leave us?! Did we - did _I_ mean nothing to you?!”

Baekhyun had just laid his soul bare - the thoughts that hadn’t stopped running in loop in his mind - but Jongdae’s grin only widened.

“You did,” Jongdae pacified with a mock pout. “But I guess in the scheme of things, this was just more important to me. Don’t feel too bad about it.” He shrugged unbothered, but Baekhyun’s chest was aching. The tone - everything about the man he loved was different. _Wrong_. “You’ll die soon enough actually.”

He came back closer, like a predator stalking his prey, “Would you like to die by my hands, Baekhyun? Scream my name one last time?”

“Fuck off, you bastard,” And then before he knew it, Baekhyun had pounced, shoving Jongdae to the floor, landing a punch straight on that sharp cheekbone. Jongdae’s head hit the floor with a bang, but he burst into the scariest laughter Baekhyun had heard. “You asshole, I’ll kill you.”

“If you do that, you won’t have anyone to miss.”

That crazed look on Jongdae's face made Baekhyun’s nerves heat in anger, but suddenly, Jongdae’s hands were on his skin. Instantly, he felt the sharp feeling of Jongdae’s lightning cutting through his nerves, and before he knew it, he’d passed out.

When he woke up once again, he was lying on the ground where he’d been knocked out, practically untouched and still armed. Jongdae was nowhere in sight, almost like he’d never been there in the first place.

But only one question was running through his head.

_Why was he still alive?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~
> 
> Sorry I'm doing this to our precious boys, please don't hate me, but I'm kinda in a love-hate relationship with the traitor!Jongdae idea, so this is the culmination of that haha
> 
> And don't worry, there's still one more part to this!
> 
> Miche xxx


	2. Omniscience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because there's always two sides to every coin, and each perception unfolds a different story.

_‘I’m so sorry’_ was the only thing Jongdae could think, repeat, as he stared down at the blackened, crisped body at his feet. He was responsible for this.

But the gasp across the room made him realize that it was not the time for begging for repentance.

The one person he both wanted, but had wished he never have to see was standing in front of him. He had the perfect opportunity now - but he knew, deep down, that this would break the other.

He had _hoped_ , even if it had been pointless, that this would have never come to happen.

But luck was never on his side. Never had been, so he should have known better.

And so he put on a mask - put on a maniacal grin; he didn’t really have to try too hard to bring the tortured look into his eyes.

But he had to make this believable. He had to make Baekhyun think that he’d betrayed them all. Betrayed _him_.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae hated the way he sounded, sinister, unlike himself. He watched the flurry of emotions pass over Baekhyun’s face - the pain, disbelief, love, _hate_. His electricity was cackling between his fingers, and Jongdae wondered if there was a way to stop himself from doing what he was about to do. “I’ve been waiting. It’s good to see you.”

He could feel the increasing of Baekhyun’s heart rate, the way the electrical signals fluctuated. He looked so incredibly pained, and Jongdae’s heart ached for him, and for himself.

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun’s voice was hostile, but he sounded equally shocked, as if Jongdae had been the last thing he had expected to see. He was eyeing the body at Jongdae’s feet, and in the same horrified voice, “You’re a part of the Red Force now?” A pause and swallow, “...You killed him.”

He sounded so disappointed in Jongdae, it felt like needles stabbing into his heart. He knew Baekhyun had been incredibly hurt when he’d left them - but how could he explain to him that it had been necessary? To protect him? To protect the others?

The Red Force had managed to locate them - they’d been tracking their movements, probably for months, and Jongdae - he’d only found out by _accident_. The only way to find some kind of semblance of control, safety for the others, again was to infiltrate the Red Force - but for that to be possible it had to be believable. And that meant not revealing anything to the others. How could he explain it to the others? Not even Kyungsoo, who he told _everything_ to. Especially not Baekhyun, because it would become obvious otherwise.

For the past month, he’d successfully managed to trick the Red Force, their trust in him increasing as he killed - and he’d brought them Sehun’s power orb when he’d joined them.

He knew they would probably ask him to kill one of them soon - but he was hoping they’d reveal their plans first. He’d had to be so careful, so smart about his movements, and he’d learned how to adopt a mask now.

But one glance at Baekhyun made him want to drop all his pretenses.

How ironic now...that he had to make sure Baekhyun hated him - even if it killed him on the inside.

“I told you, I’ve been waiting,” He curled his lips into a smirk. He reached a hand towards Baekhyun, over-dramatic but not lying as he said, “You’re as beautiful as the day I left, sweetheart.”

“You’re not allowed to call me that,” Baekhyun’s breathing was laboured, but it sliced through Jongdae’s entire being. Was what he was doing worth it? Putting them through so much pain? It seemed like Baekhyun was just coming to a realization that Jongdae was actually there. “Not after what you did - _fuck you_ Jongdae! Who do you think you are?! How could you _leave_ us - ”

_It wasn’t easy, Baekhyun - it was never easy._

But he only tsked back, and he stopped himself from letting a crack appear in his mask. But he couldn’t help himself - he approached the other, faster than he’d realised he’d begun moving. Baekhyun stiffened in his presence, and it felt like another stab to his gut, but he tried to push past it, running a single finger down the side of Baekhyun’s porcelain features. His skin was soft, like a baby, for a moment, Jongdae lost himself to the sensation. He lost himself in the memories, in the passing chance he’d gotten to touch the man he loved once again.

He could see the way Baekhyun’s eyes darkened and the goosebumps that rose on his skin, and he was still as beautiful as the day he left him.

Jongdae’s heart _yearned_ , it yearned so much, and yet Baekhyun was so far, so unreachable now.

And he needed to control himself.

“Desperation is a beautiful color on you, Baekhyun-ah,” Jongdae vocalized because he had a semblance to keep up. But the pain was detectable in his expression, so he leaned in to whisper in his ear, if only to hide his expression. Baekhyun smelled as he always did, like warm sunlight on a beautiful day, and Jongdae’s stomach churned, as he breathed honestly, “But you’ve always been beautiful.”

Baekhyun pushed him away, and Jongdae felt a sick sense of satisfaction. He deserved this, for bringing such pain to Baekhyun. The laugh that escaped wasn’t fake, even if the words he said were, “You’ve always been so weak - _so easy_ to break.”

Or maybe, Baekhyun had always been vulnerable to Jongdae - and Jongdae had just taken advantage of him.

God, was Jongdae losing his own grip of control?

“Stop,” Baekhyun’s voice was so strong, sounded so unaffected, but Jongdae could hear it, see it in the breathing. “You’re not _my_ Jongdae. You’ve changed - ”

 _“Your_ Jongdae?” It felt bitter to repeat it, and another laugh escaped him. Baekhyun’s Jongdae had to sacrifice so much, including Baekhyun, just for this. It was the greatest tragedy of his life. “He’s _dead.”_ His eyes snapped to meet Baekhyun’s again, and the other’s were swirling with an anguished pain, unbelieving, searching for some kind of evidence that his Jongdae was still buried somewhere beneath this mask. Jongdae had no choice but to break that hope, _“I’m all you have left now.”_

“You’re a _monster,”_ The words vibrated through the fiber of Jongdae’s being. The nights that he spent crying in Baekhyun’s arms - afraid of become the monster that he knew he was inside, his lightning rampaging - swarmed his mind, parasitic. Baekhyun swallowed visibly angry, “You’re pathetic.”

If only Jongdae could stop now, for both of their sake. But a mask was a mask, and the smirk he knew Baekhyun hated had climbed back up his face, “And yet, here you are - and you haven’t even tried to hurt me for leaving you.”

He knew he was provoking the other - but he needed to know that he’d done his job. Baekhyun needed to leave hating Jongdae’s guts, or this all would have been for nothing.

Baekhyun’s right hand curled to a fist, and Jongdae recognized he was close to his goal, so he taunted, “Oh Baekhyun, have you forgotten? I know you better than you know yourself.” And so he knew what kind of pain he was putting the other through right now.

He stepped back into Baekhyun’s personal space, and bravely took his right wrist in hand. It fit in his hand exactly the way it had always, and a pang resounded deeply in his chest. “And we both know you’ve always been too weak, too soft to hurt me. Your _precious_ Jongdae.”

“How dare you,” Baekhyun’s voice was low, fury in his eyes. “How fucking dare you.”

“I can feel it in the way your heart is beating, Baekhyun,” Jongdae continued, needing to see this through to the end, and he placed his palm on Baekhyun’s chest right above his heart. He allowed his current to flow between them, harmless. Baekhyun’s eyes snapped to Jongdae, and Jongdae added, “Have you forgotten? I can read your electrical signals, Baekhyun. You still love me, you _long_ for me.”

And that didn’t comfort him in the slightest.

_Because he loved the other too - and it didn’t make this any easier._

And the expression Baekhyun was making - such a brave face when he wanted to cry on the inside was eating Jongdae up on the inside too.

He couldn’t be so close to Baekhyun without losing his mind anymore, and he stepped back. He mocked a look of thoughtful appraisal instead, “You’ve always been so beautiful. I just wish I could destroy you - you’d be so beautiful. My lightning yearns to test you, Baekhyun.”

“Who are you?” Baekhyun swallowed. “What have they...what did they do to you?”

And here it was, the opportunity to break him, even if Jongdae wished so much he could soften the blow. And so he grinned like he’d lost his mind. _“Your_ Jongdae lost his patience. He was so depressed inside - so tired of fighting, until he realised one day - it was just so much easier to fight for the right side.”

It felt like the lie would swallow him until he drowned in the consequences - and yet, that was just what was needed for him to see this through to the end.

Baekhyun’s eyes were desperate, furious, “We _were_ the right side, Jongdae! You left us! Even through everything we’d been through - the testing, the escape - _you_ planned that! - finding each other! Did...nothing, did none of that matter to you?! Was it that easy for you to just... _leave_ us?! Did we - did _I_ mean nothing to you?!”

A large part of Jongdae died as the words hit him like bullets. How - _just how_ \- could he explain this to him?

“You did,” Jongdae dissociated, the grin, the taunting pout on his face wasn’t him. “But I guess in the scheme of things, this was just more important to me. Don’t feel too bad about it.” He shrugged unbothered, but inside a storm so violent threatened to tear him apart for this. He knew this would be the final blow - he’d break Baekhyun with this. “You’ll die soon enough actually.”

And so he stalked closer to him, “Would you like to die by my hands, Baekhyun? Scream my name one last time?”

Jongdae hated himself to his core for this. For having to be forced to betray his friends and the man he loved.

“Fuck off, you bastard,” And Baekhyun was right - so he didn’t fight when the other pounced on him, knocking his skull against the ground as he landed a punch on his cheek. He deserved it - and he prayed that his words had successfully made Baekhyun hate him. Jongdae burst into a crazed laughter, the irony of his situation overwhelming, and Baekhyun’s voice was sharp with pain, “You asshole, I’ll kill you!”

And Jongdae couldn’t help himself, replying tiredly, drained from this conversation, “If you do that, you won’t have anyone to miss.”

This needed to end quickly, and he raised his hands to meet Baekhyun’s arms, and he sent a current flooding through the other so heavy that it would be enough to knock the other out, but not kill him.

_Jongdae could never kill him._

Baekhyun fell forward onto him, Jongdae held him lightly, wanting to cry at the feeling of the man in his arms. He’d missed him so much over the past month, restricting himself to silent anguished tears in the locked walls of the bathroom.

But he didn’t deserve the man in his arms, not after all he’d just done.

And so he carefully pulled him away, setting him down softly on the ground, and ran a hand though the other’s soft hair.

He knew that he’d managed to make the other hate him, even if he still loved him. But the pain that had come with it was infinitely worse, and Jongdae knew he had to stop, pull back before he could give in.

With one final look, Jongdae stood up and left the room, shutting the door behind him and never glancing back once.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I guess there's no resolution, and the end is up to your interpretation, as you see fit. 
> 
> I think though, that towards the end, we see some hope - and we know that, and can clearly see that Jongdae would do anything for the ones he loves, so Baekhyun will, given realization and time, accept him with open arms. They're star-crossed, after all.
> 
> Lots of Love,  
> Miche xxx


End file.
